Friday, June 22, 2007

Holy Underwear Model Day!

You’re a very successful male underwear model whose real dream is to enter the priesthood. For the past three years, you’ve been saving every penny you’ve made from modeling to pay for Priesthood tuition. Today you’re going to find out that your Dad lied to you about the Priesthood charging tuition.

“Yeah,” he’ll say. “It’s free. They can’t expect dudes to never have sex and pay for it. I just told you that because I didn’t want you to become a priest.”

“It was my dream,” you’ll tell him. “How could you?”

“Let’s take a drive.”

Your Dad will drive you around town, past all of the billboards featuring your underwear-clad image towering over the populace. You’ll see you in some underwear holding a baby on a bare mattress, you in some underwear cooking bacon, and you in some underwear drinking a glass of Cutty Sark.

“Look at that up there,” your Dad will say. “That’s you, fifty feet high, with everyone in town looking up to you, waiting for you to tell them what to buy and what to drink or eat. It’s like this entire town is your church, this entire nation. Except you get to hold mass in your underwear. Would you really prefer to address your flock while wearing a big black dress?”

“I never thought about it that way,” you’ll say, because you’re very dim. Remember, you were convinced that priests paid tuition.

“You’re an underwear model, son,” your Dad will say. “If God didn’t want it that way, he would have made your groin area more ruddy. As it is now, you don’t even get bumps after a wax. You were born for it.”

You’ll stare up at a billboard which has you in some underwear feeding Fancy Feast to a kitten. You really do look great up there. Anytime you imagine yourself as a priest, you just see a world without ice cream and flowers, since your Dad also convinced you that priests are not allowed to eat ice cream or smell flowers. He also convinced you that priests can’t sit down when they have a bowel movement, but you stopped trying to figure out how that would work a long time ago.

“Be who you were born to be,” your Dad will say. “God gave you those abs for a reason.”

“I’m an underwear model,” you’ll say to the billboard which features you in some underwear reading the instructions that tell you how to build a child’s bicycle. “In service to the Lord.”

Your Dad will suppress his triumphant glee. He saw this whole thing as a battle for your future between him and Jesus, and he just kicked Jesus’ butt so he’s feeling pretty good about himself.

Happy Holy Underwear Model Day!