Thursday, June 28, 2007

The Banker And The Conservationist Day!

You’re a rich fat banker with hundred dollar bills constantly fluttering out of your pockets and lots of girlfriends who only will only eat stuff if you sprinkle cocaine on it first. You love to buy and immediately destroy everything you see. Wildlife refuges, low income housing developments, and schools for the one-armed children of tomorrow are just a few of the things you get a kick out of buying and then hastily turning into parking lots. Today you’re going to show up at the demolition of the landmark building you bought a little while ago. After much wrangling with City Hall, they’re finally going to let you level it.

When you get there, you aren’t surprised to find some conservationists chained to the front of the building to prevent its demolition. You are surprised to look into the eyes of one of the activists and see everlasting comfort and beauty like you never thought imaginable. Go and hit on her.

“Can I borrow a quarter?” ask her. “I need to call my doctor and tell him that my heart just skipped a beat when I caught a glimpse of your pretty face.”

She’ll spit in your face and tell you you’re the reason why children have to shiver at night. Then she’ll demand that you not level the building where Eleanor Roosevelt once spent an historic lost weekend in the company of several off-duty midwives.

“If I let the building stand, will you let me buy you dinner?”

She’ll agree. You’ll convince her to move in with you that night, with the threat that if she says no you’ll tell the wrecking ball to swing at dawn. You’ll spend the rest of your lives together, and anytime she says she wants to leave you’ll just pick up the phone and pretend to be calling the demolition company to tell them when to swing the wrecking ball. Your kids will see it as a cute little game between Mommy and Daddy. When you start to bicker, your kids will scream, “Call the wrecking ball Daddy!” Then you’ll wave the phone in their mother’s face and everyone will burst into giggles until you pull your principled little conservationist into a big fat capitalist kiss.

Happy The Banker And The Conservationist Day!