Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Everyone At Work Knows You Have The Unholy Power To Hear Other People's Thoughts Day!

You warned your coworkers a long time ago that if you are able to catch sight of the white of a person's eye, you can hear his or her thoughts. You asked them to try to either avert their eyes from you or to make their mind a blank slate when they pass. You explained that it causes you quite a bit of head pain when you listen to someone's thoughts and if they safeguarded their minds, it would prevent you from taking so many breaks throughout the day.

So why do they all keep walking past you and thinking the word "asshole?" It almost feels like they're intentionally inviting you into their heads. At least five times a day a coworker will pass your desk, look you directly in the eye so that you can see the whites of his eyes, and then as clear as a bell ringing you'll hear him think, "Asshole" or "Total fucking asshole" or "God what a dick. Asshole. Fucking quit. Asshole fuck." or "FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU YOU GETTIN' ALL THIS? FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU."

You gave up confronting them on this. They usually take the defense of "Hey, they're my thoughts. You can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen in my head." The one time you accused them of intentionally trying to make you read their horrible thoughts, they all got together and had a contest to see who could make you read so many of their thoughts that you'd get a nosebleed (Trina won).

You don't know how to make them stop. You've tried being more likeable but you just come off as creepy (according to their thoughts, of course). Their thoughts are so ugly that you wish you could just wear a blindfold to work to keep from catching sight of the whites of a coworker's eyes ever again.

But today you'll nearly burst into tears when you meet the new temp. She'll have not been warned about you yet, which explains why she'll come to you to ask for help inserting the coffee canisters into the coffee machine. You'll show her, and when she looks you in the eye and says "thanks," you'll hear her think, "He's so nice. And kind of cute too."

It will be the first kind thought you'll have heard in months. You won't get the chance to come up with something clever to say before you catch the thoughts of Matthew from payroll, who is apparently planning on going home to kill himself by eating all of his anti-anxiety medication. "I spend my life surrounded by drones. Oh, and one circus freak," he'll think as he sees you in the kitchen. "This all ends tonight."

Maybe he intended you to hear his thoughts, in which case he's counting on you to save his life. If he didn't intend it, it's even more important that you race after him and slap those pills out of his mouth. Go be a hero, Mindfuck. Tomorrow, they'll all still hate you because they hate what they don't understand.

Happy Everyone At Work Knows You Have The Unholy Power To Hear Other People's Thoughts Day!