Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Blackout Babies Day!

Tonight at a cocktail party you're going to meet a girl who was conceived on the night of the 1977 New York City blackout, just like you.

"That's so weird," you'll say. "I thought there was something special about you."

She'll say, "Yeah, you too. Hey, can you shoot electrical current out of your fingertips?"

You'll go pale. You have a foggy memory of having electrocuted the neighborhood bully when you were ten and he was beating up your older brother, but you always figured you were just remembering a dream you once had.

She'll say, "It's okay. You shouldn't be scared. You are an exceptional person and you should be proud."

She'll tell you that on the night of the blackout, the city fell under a darkness far more frightening than could have been imagined. An unholy power entered the living world that night and stole the current from the city's electrical grid, knowing full well that if the city was thrown into darkness, everyone would start fucking. Every viable womb in the city was filled with the seed of that creature of darkness, and the children that were conceived are rightfully his.

"We're all able to shoot electric current out of our fingertips. A group of us has formed and we are discussing how best to use our power," she'll say. "So far, the best anyone can come up with is we all get together and take over the world by electrocuting everything."

She'll hand you an invitation to the upcoming Blackout Baby Meet-Up.

"Come and meet your brothers and sisters," she'll say. "There'll be coffee and donut holes. And we usually go out for drinks after."

Say, "So we're really brother and sister? Since we share this evil spirit as a father?"

She'll say, "I doubt that really matters. In that way, I mean."

Her smile we'll tell you that you both mean the same thing. She'll kiss your cheek and whisper in your ear that she hopes you come.

"Oh by the way," she'll say before she leaves. "You're being hunted by a black ops military team. There are a few people at the Pentagon who are starting to have a clue as to what we're about. They haven't given the kill order yet, since they're just starting to have a clue. We have to decide on a plan of action before they put the puzzle together. Until then, assume you're being watched at all times and don't electrocute anything unless you got no choice. See you at the Meet-up."

With that, she'll split. You'll look around the room and you'll swear that every single person is watching you out of the corner of his or her eye. Then you'll look down at your fingertips, and you'll start to giggle with the knowledge of what you could do to each and every one of them if you could just bother yourself to point a finger in their direction.

Happy Blackout Babies Day!