Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Teach Your Parrot To Say Something Important Day!

Today you are going to be murdered by your ex-girlfriend, Marsha. Marsha will have grown increasingly crazed with jealousy for all that hotness you took away from her when you broke it off a few months back. Today she’ll come by to tell you that she’s been watching you with your new girlfriend, and that it’s very insensitive of you to prance around town with her. It’s like you’re trying to make Marsha’s heart break over and over again, Marsha will say. Marsha will tell you that she’s going to make sure she never has to see anything like that again. Then she’ll stab you.

You’ll still be alive after Marsha leaves, but you’ll be pretty sure you’re going to die. At that moment, you’ll be so glad that two months prior you decided on a whim to buy Zany, your pet parrot. With your blood draining from your wound, leaving you too weak to call the police or find a pen and paper, teaching Zany to tell the police that Marsha was the killer will be your only chance of ensuring her arrest.

When you bought Zany, you told your friends you just always thought Parrots were neat. But lying on that floor, staring up at Zany on his perch, you’ll know the real reason. Somewhere in your heart, you must have known this day would come. You knew you would one day be murdered in your home. And you knew that you had to have a parrot in the house that would identify the perpetrator for the police.

"Marsha did it," you’ll rasp up at Zany. "’’

Zany will squawk once in response.

" Come on Zany.’’

Your vision will start to go gray a bit around the edges.


Zany will squawk again. "Didit," Zany will say. You’ll feel a brief burst of energy and your vision will clear.

"That’s it," you’ll say. "Marsha did it."

"Didit Marsha Didit Marsha.’’ It will sound like he’s saying it backwards, but he’ll have it.

‘Yes!’ you’ll cough. "Marsha did it."

"Didit Marsha!" Zany will repeat. "Didit Marsha!"

You’ll feel weak again, light as a feather. "Marsha did it," you’ll murmur. "Marsha did it.’"

And then just before you go, you’ll speak the very last thought in your mind. "Kim," you’ll say, bidding goodbye to the world with the sound of your current girlfriend’s name.

In the silence of the apartment where you’ll now lay dead, Zany will squawk over your body, "Didit Kim! Didit Kim"

When the police arrive, they’ll find no weapon, no fingerprints, no apparent clues that would point to an ex-girlfriend having broken in and killed the object of her obsession. Just a parrot repeating an accusation over and over again. Your girlfriend Kim will be charged and she’ll plead guilty to second degree murder. She’ll want to fight the charge, but her attorney will convince her that if a parrot takes the stand and fingers her for the murder of her boyfriend, it will be so frigging cool that the jury will want to give her the chair.

"Polly don’t want this cracker," her attorney will tell her. She’ll never forget those words during her eleven years inside. And she’ll never forgive herself for not having told you before you got killed just how much she hated your stupid parrot.

Happy Teach Your Parrot To Say Something Important Day!