Friday, October 08, 2004

Throw Yourself Into The Well Day!

Yours is not a new story. You were supposed to marry Lance. But Lance all of a sudden pulled a switcheroo and decided he doesn't think you two should marry after all. You're devastated and you plan to kill yourself. But who's gonna care?

America, if you do it right. Look around your house and check out what materials you have at your disposal to make this the most buzz-worthy suicide that's ever hit the headlines. I'll save you some time. Look out at your front yard.

That's right. The well. Throw yourself in it.

The key here, though, is to not die right away. People who don't survive a fall down a well don't get much airtime. But people who hit the bottom and live, albeit with a plethora of broken bones that prevent any effort to escape, those are the people who can steal airtime from the playoffs.

So go on and take a swim in your drinking water. Pretty soon, the rescue workers and media are gonna show, and they're gonna ask you why so glum? Tell them about Lance, and you can bet your ass they're gonna drag him down to get him on video shouting down into the water underground at you. Make sure to offer some soundbites like, "My heart hurts so much I might just hold my head under this shallow collection of springwater and wait to die." And, "Men lie."

Lance, of course, is gonna have to admit that he's queer. And you're gonna have to deal with the fact that you attract men trying to hide from their true selves, and you accept their false love as your lot in life. But you'll be shivering at the bottom of a well when you do. Have fun in America's prayers!

Happy Throw Yourself Into The Well Day!