Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Studio Apartment With One Small Window Day!

It's big enough. Seems to have been well maintained. You really like the bathtub. The only thing is the window.

"Why are those five bricks there?" you ask the landlord.

"I'll tell you this once then I'll go downstairs," the landlord says. "You want the apartment after I tell you, you come down and knock on my door. You don't want it, you walk out the building and good luck to you. But what I'm about to tell you is non-negotiable."

He didn't buy real estate so that he could make a lot of money, he says. He did it so that he could play with the people who want to live in his building.

"For instance, the man in 2R, name of Kuperman," he says. "He lives in my farts. I fart into his shower air vent. Once every day."

He goes on to talk about how he installed central air into 3B. "Mrs. Louis' world is controlled by me. Every morning, I decide how hot or cold her apartment will be, based on my mood. She hates me."

"And you," he says. "You live here, I'll be burying you alive. One brick at a time. Those five bricks there took me about nine months to put up. I can't tell you how often I'll add to the bricks. But I fully intend to cover that window with bricks and bury you alive in your apartment. Those are the terms. Goodbye."

You stare out the window for a little while. The bricks really aren't that large. A few tests of the water pressure later and you're downstairs signing a lease.

Happy Studio Apartment With One Small Window Day!