Saturday, June 26, 2004

Singles Canoes Day!

It's happened to you time and time again. Just after you fuck a dude he gets up and does some kind of crazy shit you never saw coming. One guy told you he could see himself marrying you, if he wasn't already married. You had to call an ambulance for the guy who ate everything that was left in your vial of Vicodin. And then there was Mister "Aren’t my very realistic prosthetic limbs awesome?" It was enough to turn a girl off anonymous sex for as much as two to three weeknights at a time!

So when you saw the ad for Singles Canoes, you jumped for the phone. "Find out how you two get along inside of a canoe," it read. "And you'll know how freaky shit'll be after all the orgasms occur!" You made a reservation for today.

His name was Jason, the guy you got assigned (Singles Canoes matches up their singles based on a complicated algorithm using only height, eye color, and a single turn of the board game "Scruples"). When you met this morning, you shook hands. Jason didn't seem happy.

"Let's get this shit over with," he said.

A half-mile down the river, Jason revealed that he had been signed up for Singles Canoes by his parents. "They want me to find someone special and get married," Jason said. "But I only wanna be with them."

You said, "That's sweet." The back of Jason's head was round and sexy. You took the back of the boat because you don't like to be snuck up on over water. You didn't know at the time that his white tee shirt would paste up against his sweaty torso and reveal some of the most delectable upper body muscles you've seen in quite some time.

"God I miss my Dad," he said, letting his oar rest on across his legs.

"How old are you Jason?" you asked. He said he was 39.

For a good length of the canoe trip, you and Jason kept quiet. The only time the two of you spoke was when he told you, unprovoked, that you couldn't have any of his sandwiches.

"Almost time for the barbecue," you said when you saw it was five o'clock.

Jason said, "I hope to try to leave before the barbecue. I wonder if that'll be okay."

You stopped rowing to open up the Singles Canoes brochure. Each single will share a riverside cabin with the single to whom they are assigned and none will be allowed to leave before the awarding of special prizes on the morning following the canoe trip.

You were relieved. "You could try, I suppose."

Jason turned around to see if the amusement he heard in your voice also showed on your face. There was in fact a smirk there.

Jason, of course won't be allowed to leave. And tonight in your cabin, he will be very talky for several hours, promising you that there will be no sex to be had. He'll go on and on about how relations through blood are all that are necessary and that romance is just theft of the heart. Then around midnight, he's gonna stop talking and wait. You'll go to him and pull his head to your breasts, which are awesome.

Jason won't say a word during sex, and he won't let you have any say. When you try to remove his pants, he'll remove your hands from his belt buckle. He'll tug your clothes from your body, guide you to the couch and then remove his clothing himself while you lay across the couch waiting for his next decision. You will be moved from your position on your back across the cushions of the couch, to a standing spot on the rug bent over the arm of the couch and peering into a large mirror fastened above the back of the couch, to the bed, to the headboard of the bed, to the floor by the bed. Each move will occur of a sudden. You will not be consulted beforehand.

Tomorrow morning, you will win tickets to see the Billy Joel musical "Movin' Out." At the barbecue after every canoe trip, Singles Canoes Administrators hand out pens, pieces of paper and envelopes so that each single can write what behavior he or she predicts her assigned single will exhibit following sexual relations that evening. Singles who predict accurately will win one of several prizes provided through sponsoring bodies. Your winning prediction will be, "Jason will stare out the window at the moon and the trees and when I ask him if everything is okay he'll tell me to shut up."

Jason's losing prediction will be, "She'll probably take a bath or some shit like that." When Jason's prediction is revealed to be inaccurate, all of the assembled singles will laugh at him. He'll demand his keys and rush off in his car.

Singles Canoes awards singles that make accurate predictions of their assigned single's behavior because it proves that their canoe trips really help people get to know what makes each other tick.

Happy Singles Canoes Day!