Wednesday, June 02, 2004

1...2...3...Brush Day!

Getting your wife to brush her teeth is no small feat. She hates the feeling of having something plastic inside her mouth and she thinks her teeth are indestructible little weapons more powerful than solid steel. And when you tell her her breath smells, all she says is "Fuck you royally."

You're going to have to combine brushing her teeth with a race for some chicken. Tonight, come home from the store with a full rotisserie chicken in a see through container. Your wife will see the chicken and throw herself from her chair, swinging her arms out in front of her to grab at the bird and stuff it into her mouth. Just hold the tray up above your head and make her jump for it and kick at your shins. Once she's settled down a bit, tell her you want to play a game.

Put the chicken up atop the kitchen cabinets and take her into the bathroom with you. Tell her that on the count of three, the two of you will start to brush. And the first person who manages to scrub every accessible surface of every tooth three times gets the entire chicken.

"And the loser?" she'll ask.

"The loser doesn't eat until morning."

Your wife will smile that same beautiful smile she wore when she looked up and said I do. "Hope you had a big fuckin' lunch dickhead cause you're going down!" she'll say.

Your wife will snap her fingers in front of your eyeballs, then wheel around and grab for a toothbrush. Before you start the count, she'll strip down to her waist (she has to do that before brushing). When she's ready, apply toothpaste to each of your toothbrushes, and get them held at the ready.

"1…2…3…and BRUSH!"

And simple as that, your wife will brush her teeth with such a fury her naked breasts will ripple like a lake in the rain. Those grunts coming out of her mouth will be the sound of months and months of plaque and grime being ripped away from her teeth. You'll look into the mirror at the steady cascade of foam pouring from her lower lip and you'll want to cry. You'll have done it. Your wife's teeth will finally be clean.

"YEAH!" she'll scream through her mouth full of foamy paste, her toothbrush held in the air. "Go get me my chicken bitch, and I want your skinny ass to watch me eat every bite! Go on!"

You'll rinse your mouth clean and then go and set the chicken down in front of your wife's seat at the table. You'll sit across from her ad watch her as she makes exaggerated groans of ecstasy after every bite. You'll have to eat a quick dinner before you come home every night from now on. But it's worth it. Her teeth are worth it.

Happy 1…2.…3…Brush Day!