13th Birthday Day!
All across the globe, little boys and girls are taking the big step into adolescence today. They are frightened about what is going to happen to them.
"I'm 13 now," they'll say. "I'm going to be pregnant soon."
"Only if you're bad," tell them.
"And what's to become of my genitals?" they'll say.
Show them photographs of your and your wife's genitals.
"Oh," they'll say. "And what about smoking?"
Tell them they're not allowed to smoke until they're 18, but they should try soon. "To find out whether you like it or not," say. "Pot's a gateway drug," add. "If you smoke a joint, you'll get addicted to crack. You won't be able to control yourself. You'll finish smoking pot and you'll immediately go running out the window to buy as much crack as you can."
When the kids start to talk about the long-term psychological effects of knowing that their fathers are cheating on their mothers, pull them all into a group hug and shout at the sun, "Why?!"
Happy 13th Birthday Day!