It's The Girls Are Pretty "Oh Dear God What Have I Done?" Week!
Looks like today's the day that Pretty Girl is sending the last few years tumbling end over end into the big black nothing. No, silly, no one's opening up any wrists. But a one way plane ticket will be redeemed and an air mattress will be inflated. Out of respect for the alcohol intake to come, Girls Are Pretty is giving you the next week's posts all at once. Don't blow your wad. Scroll to the bottom for today's and then save tomorrow's for tomorrow. Even if you have no intention of observing each day's holiday, do you really feel your life is full enough to go without reading something stupid and new on the internet for a whole week? Ration it.
Sunday, July 7, 2002
Don't Even Open Your Eyes Day!
You saw it all yesterday. Some buildings. One or two cute babies. A guy pissing on a bank. Where's the suspense? Just keep your eyes closed and pretend you live in Lavender Footie Pajama World where everyone and everything is made of pie.
Saturday, July 6, 2002
Ask That Cunt Who Runs The Lotto Machine At Friends' Tavern To Marry You Day!
Goddamnit when are you going to realize happiness isn't just gonna walk up and bite you on the ass? That cunt who runs the lotto machine at Friend's Tavern would make you a damn good wife, and frankly, she's the only woman you've spoken to since Easter Sunday. You're still holding a grudge because when the jackpot was up to 95 million and you let her pick the numbers for your 147th ticket she picked all losers but for Christ's sake perfect girls go to Hollywood. You gotta settle for what you can reach out and grab. Her name's Allison by the way.
You never know, maybe if you get married before you turn 57 some long lost uncle will die and leave you millions of dollars just like I think I saw happen in a movie once.
Friday, July 5, 2002
Don't Feed Your Kids Day
I honestly hate this day, I really do. It's actually because of this holiday that I gave custody of my daughter back to my ex last year. I just couldn't handle being so cruel. Even for the other 364 days it would haunt me. I would shower her with love, but I knew it was just me compensating for the torment to come and it started to feel like she knew too. This is just too too miserable a day for me and if there's some higher reason for it that I can't comprehend, that only proves that this universe is really the bottom of the fucking barrel.
And I'm afraid the loopholes aren't valid. The name of the day would imply that kids who can walk and talk could be taught to run out and get food for themselves. But all research suggests that, historically, people have always observed the day by literally prohibiting their children from eating. Fucking awful.
Thursday, July 4, 2002
Skinnydip. But alone. And Quietly. Day!
Today is that special summer day when everyone has to swim naked and alone just like when we weren't born yet. No splashing or rope swinging (excuse the pun) either. Just nice even strokes out into the middle of the pond, tread a bit, then back again. You can stay out there all you want but, unfortunately, this is a very sacred holiday in most parts of the US. And even if someone saw you out there and was just bursting with the need to shout, "Mind if I join you?" or "If I swim out there to you will you have sex with me?" he or she will more often than not respect the holiday and your right to celebrate it by leaving you be.
Happy Skinnydip. But alone. And Quietly. Day!
Wednesday, July 3, 2002
Policewomen Are Amazing In Bed Day!
And the awesome thing is, and a lot of people don't know this, but policewomen are in fact allowed to have sex with people who aren't policemen. They can have sex with strip club owners and restaurateurs and ex-husbands, even battered women who need a place to sleep after the shelter's already closed for the night! And underneath their hat is this unbelievable head of long brown hair wrapped up in a bun that they let cascade down when they're up for it. But be careful. If you're not good at having sex and you have sex with a policewoman, she might plant heroin on you.
Happy Policewomen Are Amazing In Bed Day!
Tuesday, July 2, 2002
Get Loaded And Tell The New Friendlier ATM Screen That It Doesn't Know Anything About You And It Can Go Fuck Itself Day!
And then pee on it. But seriously, this big money spitting fuckwad of a computer thinks it can stupid up its lingo and suddenly you two are gonna be best friends? Fuckin' fake motherfucker talkin' down to you?! When's it been there for you? Where was he when your wife was deliverin' your third daughter and you was on third shift at the dreamcatcher factory with no sick time and damn right you were gonna get canned if you split. Countin' money's where. You're buddy, Ray, that's a friend. Fuckin' bankboy ho.
Now pee on it.
Monday, July 1, 2002
DOUBT! DOUBT! DOUBT! DOUBT! DOUBT! Day!
I don't care if you have strawberry jam on your toast every morning. Today's the day to have some second thoughts. It don't matter about what. Just be uncertain. Got a gut feeling that you're doing the right thing? Well you just doubt yourself enough and that gut feeling is gonna turn into a nice debilitating yet companionable ulcer in no time. There are some bumper stickers for sale by the bathrooms, just so you know. Here's the top seller:
"You've Been Wrong Before.
Why Not Now?"
Cute huh? How 'bout this one:
"Vacillators Do It Eventually Maybe"
Make sure you pick one up for your brother-in-law who is a riot. Now go out there and tackle that Monday but please try not to do anything rash.
Happy DOUBT! DOUBT! DOUBT! DOUBT! DOUBT! Day!