Commit A String Of Murders, Mindboggling In Their Horrific Detail, And Turn Yourself In, Agreeing To Confess Only If You're Permitted To Defend Yourself And Testify During Your Televised Trial Via A Sockpuppet With A Loud, High-Pitched, Scottish Accent Named Count Wiggle-Fuckface Day!
They probably won't let you do it. But still, you never know. Let's play it by ear.
We'll start with the string of murders, perhaps following a complicated system involving choice of victim and method of assault. For example: Your husband was laid off at age 51 and hasn't been rehired in six years. You're a pastry chef at a ritzy restaurant where 26 year olds earning six figures are at the top of the reservation list. Start killing them. Just get your hands on one name and cell phone number off that reservation list every night and wait a few days to track the tyke down. And how about you throw your victims out windows, so everyone but the veteran detective on the case thinks it's just brokers jumping out of windows again. Since everyone who's anyone eats at your restaurant, it'll take a while before the heat gets too hot in the kitchen (pun intended). Look, it's just an example.
Once you're caught, the DA won't like the idea of you being permitted to defend yourself and testify during your televised trial via a sockpuppet with a loud, high-pitched, scottish accent named Count Wiggle-Fuckface as he/she will think you're trying to get off with an insanity defense. Explain that you'll agree to a psych evaluation and you will pass with flying colors and the DA can convince the jury that not only are you sane and responsible for the crimes in question, but you are so cowardly that you are trying to pull crazy antics to skirt the punishment you deserve. The jury will cook your ass so fast you'd think they all just pitched in for a George Foreman grill and can't wait to see why everyone's ejaculating all over the place over a fucking waffle iron that looks like an iMac.
In honor of Commit A String Of Murders, Mindboggling In Their Horrific Detail, And Turn Yourself In, Agreeing To Confess Only If You're Permitted To Defend Yourself And Testify During Your Televised Trial Via A Sockpuppet With A Loud, High-Pitched, Scottish Accent Named Count Wiggle-Fuckface Day, let's keep the partial birth abortions to a minimum. Dig?