Saturday, July 13, 2002

Ask Your Blind Date Whether He Or She Can Ever Hear The Sound Of Blood Screaming Through His Or Her Veins Day!
The hard part is finding the right moment. I've always been a big fan of the seventh lull in the conversation, about that time when the both of you realize the date isn't going very well but you haven't even gotten your entrees yet. Just fold your napkin with about twelve sharp creases, wincing with each fold, and place it on your plate before you take his or her hand and say, "I need to ask you an important question and I'll know if you answer dishonestly so don't."

Of course, whether the date is going well or not has nothing to do with the necessity that The Question be posed. Let's say penetration has commenced. You suddenly remember that The Question was never asked. No problem, start sobbing. Just let out a few wails, sending a gale of fists into the mattress or vestibule wall until your date gets the message that you have something important to ask. Your date will say, "Tell me. I want to know what's wrong." But your date will be a liar which is why you should let him or her watch you slice open the skin of your palm with a nail file a few times before you take his or her face into your bloody grip and say, "At night I never sleep. Even if I turn the radio on at full volume I can't escape it. Blood. My blood with the voice of a thousand ghouls racing through my veins. Do you ever feel that way? Like your blood is screaming? It sounds like hungry babies." Then run.

Happy Ask Your Blind Date Whether He Or She Can Ever Hear The Sound Of Blood Screaming Through His Or Her Veins Day!