Friday, July 19, 2002

If Your Caller ID Screen Reads: "The Last Straw," Let The Answering Machine Get It (Unless You Know Somebody Who Works At A Straw Store) Day!
A lot of your friends have weird jobs, and you know one or two of them work at the mall. If I was gonna open a straw store, I'd call it The Last Straw since it has fewer letters than "The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back" and when store owners get signs made, they pay by the letter. Now, can you remember whether any of your friends ever mentioned that they could get you a discount on bendy straws? How about swirly straws? Loop-di-loop straws? If not, I wouldn't take that call if I was you.

In fact, you should really get any handguns or weapons of mass destruction out of reach of yourself because when whoever is on the other end of that line says what he or she has to say, it's probably going to be just one more disappointment in a long line of disappointments and it might send you out into the world to scoop a little "Payback Salad" onto folks' dinner plates. And if someone hates cherry tomatoes, guess what?

Dickhead's getting an extra helping of cherry tomatoes, that's what.

You might wanna destroy the answering machine before you hear the message, actually. You don't have to be holding the phone to your ear to hear someone say something that elicits from you something along the lines of: "That is it! Game Over! Board up the windows, yo, 'cause Hurricane [insert your name here] is comin' down the turnpike and it ain't payin' no tolls!"

Possible messages from "The Last Straw" to follow:

"It's over. I can't try any harder. I'm going back to [insert name of better paid, less physically repulsive former lover of significant other here]. You're just so angry at the world."

"Thanks for coming in for that fourth interview, but we decided to hire This Other Guy."

"This is the cancer clinic calling. Just wanted to say our first diagnosis was wrong. You have cancer in parts of the body we didn't even know existed. Someone upstairs has it in for you. Please don't call back."

"This is the government of America. We just passed laws that make it nearly impossible for an American like you to earn an honest living. We hope this news doesn't make you go batshit or anything. This is the government calling by the way. Did I already say that? I'm a little out of it this morn-- [BEEEEP]"

"Hi, this is happiness. Is this [name that isn't yours]? It isn't. Whoops, wrong number."

"Honey, it's Mom. I'm about to die but I wanted to say I never really dug you all that much. Later, yo."

Ouch. I'd stay to help you get through this, but my shift at the Paper Ring That Keeps Cups Of Coffee From Being Too Hot store starts in twenty minutes.