Tuesday, August 11, 2009

You Are The Nation’s Number One Star Of Antacid Commercials Day!

You topped the heap several years ago and you never looked down. It’s become the accepted reality of the industry that whichever antacid company can get you to endorse their product, that company will have the top-selling antacid on the shelves. It was rumored that in 2003 two competing antacid companies forged a secret pact to “share” you, having you appear in spots for one antacid for nine months and then switching to the other antacid’s spots for the next nine, just to be sure that a lesser antacid wouldn’t get the chance to steal you and build their market share.

You’ve been asked many times why you won’t make the jump into films or television. You evade this question, since your honest answer is not the kind of thing that belongs in the sort of trade magazines that interview you.

“Because films and television won’t help me destroy my father.”

Your father is the founder of the number five antacid company in the world. It used to be number one, until you started appearing in commercials for his competitors. Year after year you’ve delighted in watching his product’s sales tumble further and further. You only wish you could be there in his living room when your face appears on the TV commanding American viewers to join you in buying your father’s competitors’ products and help make your father a laughing stock. You have a gift, and you’ve devoted all of your energies toward honing that gift and using it to ruin the man who brought you into this world.

You and your father haven’t spoken in fifteen years. He’s never tried to confront you about your commercial acting. Not until today.

“You’ve made quite a career for yourself,” he’ll say to you from behind his desk in his far-too-air conditioned office.

“It’s good to have a goal,” you’ll say.

Your father will pick up a pen, stare at it like he had notes for his end of the conversation written on it, then he’ll put it down and say:

“What if I were to apologize to your mother? Would that make you stop?”


“You’d better hurry,” you’ll say. “Her last appeal was rejected. She’s going to be executed Friday evening.”

Your father’s face will go pale. His features will clench and he’ll clutch his chest.

“Do you need an antacid?” you’ll ask.

Happy You Are The Nation’s Number One Star Of Antacid Commercials Day!