Monday, August 24, 2009

Elephants! Day!

You are very excited to see the new disaster movie called Elephants! in which the world’s elephants rise up and start stomping on people. You’ve been excited to see it ever since you read the movie’s tagline. “This summer, we’re gonna find out what happens when the world’s elephants decide start throwing their weight around.”

When you arrive at the theater you’re surprised to find that there isn’t a line of people camping out to see it. You sniff some glue, then you buy your ticket and head inside. Once inside the auditorium you discover that for the first time ever in your movie-going life you’re the only one in the theater.

After waiting a few minutes, instead of the lights going down they get brighter. That’s when all of your friends and family file in and tell you that there’s no such thing as a movie called Elephants! This is just your intervention. You’ve been sniffing so much glue that the only way to get you to show up someplace is to make you believe that a summer movie about murdering elephants is in theaters, waiting to appeal to your deteriorated brain.

“But I saw commercials for it on TV,” you say.

Your rich brother Mark raises his hand and says, “Guilty.”

“But Matthew McConaughey was interviewed by Byron Allen about what it was like to live with elephants for three months,” you say.

That’s when you see Matthew McConaughey laying down on the floor behind everybody.

“Sorry bro,” he says. “Your folks wrote me a letter saying you were a real fan. Hope you get better.”

You protest some more but eventually your family just gathers around you and tells you all the ways in which you suck. You pretend to listen, but all the while you’re trying to envision in your head how the movie Elephants! would have played out if it existed.

Happy Elephants! Day!