Stop crying. You'll never get off of the toilet and on the train to the funeral if you don't stop crying and wipe your ass.
Is there toilet paper on the roll or is it on the shelf? If there's none on the roll, you'll have to stand up from the toilet and walk to the shelf where the extra toilet paper is with your buttocks clenched to be sure nothing falls off of you. Nothing ever does when you go through this process, but it's still terrifying. Even though the shelf is only a few steps away. The terror of loosing a remnant of filth onto the floor makes this walk comparable to crossing a rickety rope bridge that's about to give under your weight. You can do it. (Make a note to store your extra toilet paper closer to your toilet and never do it.)
Unroll a foot and a half of toilet paper and ball it up in your hand. If the sink is next to the toilet, wet the ball under running water. You'll get cleaner this way. If you've been wiping your butt without wet toilet paper all your life, start using wet toilet paper. You've been doing it incorrectly and you might die.
Wipe once with the wet toilet paper and let it drop into the bowl.
Unroll another foot from the roll, ball it up, and use this to wipe yourself dry.
Now you're clean and ready to get on the train to go to the funeral. You can cry on the train, but set aside some time to work on what you're going to say to people at the funeral to let them know that you're feeling the right things.
Happy How To Wipe Your Ass Day!
