Thursday, January 18, 2007

Your Boyfriend Is An Expert Juggler Day!

He can juggle up to five small items at once. It is very impressive to children and simpler adults.

"Leave him," your therapist says. "People learn to juggle when they feel the need to maintain various deceptions. More often than not, a man who knows how to juggle has a secret wife and kids hidden someplace."

"It's a way to make himself less threatening," says your gay neighbor who's always coming by for some dish. "I read this book. It said that during World War II when the government was recruiting spies and training assassins, they were all taught to juggle so that people wouldn't suspect them as being operatives. Once they start juggling, everyone thinks 'Oh look, he's a grown man who likes to do amusing things with small balls.' Hate to tell you this honey, but your boyfriend probably sneaks out of bed in the middle of the night runs off to slit the throats of sleeping diplomats."

"Get out as fast as you can," your mother will say.

"But Mom, Daddy knows how to juggle," you'll reply.

Just then, your mother will see your father through the kitchen window. He'll stop in his yard-work and the two of them will stare at each other. You'll feel a chill enter the room as the two of them look upon each other as if they were standing on either side of an international border. They did this all the time when you were growing up. They would see each other and cease all activity. With their mutual, ice-cold stare, each would silently ask of the other,
"How did it come to this?"

Leave them to it and go home. When you walk through the door, you'll find your boyfriend juggling three juice glasses and the little jingling mouse that the cat plays with.

"Check it out," he'll say.

"What are you hiding from me?" ask him.

His arms will drop to his sides and the juice glasses will crash on the ground, followed by the short jingle of the cat toy. His face will be grave as he approaches you. You'll start to shiver as you stare up into his blank eyes.

"Follow me," he'll say. Then he'll pull on a wall lamp and your living room bookcase will slide open to reveal a vast chamber where several ninjas are being juggle some bowling pins.

Happy Your Boyfriend Is An Expert Juggler Day!