Wednesday, January 31, 2007

You Don't Know Anything About Airplane Safety Day!

Today you're going to try to fake your way through an airplane safety seminar because you are pretending to be an FAA Safety Inspector.

"When the hatch is opened while a plane is in flight, it makes all the light bulbs burst. Light bulbs are very fragile and they can't handle the pressure," you'll stammer. "The two main causes of death when someone opens the door on a plane is people getting cut really bad from light-bulb glass, and people freaking out on each other because it�s dark all of a sudden."

The safety inspectors in training will take notes. Only one or two will appear suspicious. They did the reading.

"Do a good job, but don't be too hard on yourselves. No matter how hard you work, if a plane flies over an island with a really strong magnetic pull, it's going down."

The trainees will continue taking notes. One in the back will say, "Isn't that from Lost?"

Don't be rattled. "While it's true that many planes are haunted, most of them are haunted by good ghosts. They whisper advice into the pilot's ear, so don't scare them away."

Now most of the trainees will start making noise and asking what gives. You'll try not to look at Charlotte, but how can you be expected to take your eyes off of her? Her eyes will narrow as she looks at you more closely.

"Donald?" she'll ask.

You'll play with your notecards, pretending not to hear her, hoping that the class will return to order on its own.

"Stop him!" Charlotte will shout.

Two of the trainees will rush the stage and grab your arms. One of them will rip your fake beard off of your face. The other will remove your fake afro wig.

"Call the police," Charlotte will shout. "Goddammit Donald!"

"Marry me Charlotte," you'll shout back at her. Then you'll shake the grip of the two trainees and run for the door. Scream, "Marry me Charlotte! Marry me! Marry me! Marry me!"

"Fuck you!" Charlotte will respond. "500 yards you piece of shit! You're going to jail this time!"

Run out the door and keep going as fast as you can to get off the grounds. Charlotte's wedding is Saturday, and you need to go with plan B. Impersonating her instructor to try and get close enough to propose didn't work. So now you're going to have to kidnap her sister and hold her captive until Charlotte promises to cancel her wedding to that guy. You can't pull that off if you get put away for violating a restraining order, so keep running.

Happy You Don't Know Anything About Airplane Safety Day!