Monday, January 15, 2007

You Make Jews For Jesus Give Up Both Day!

You have a very specific look. Not only are you devastatingly beautiful, but you also give people the sense that you're spiritually gullible. This makes you a prime target for representatives of Jews For Jesus when they're handing out their poorly illustrated pamphlets on the outskirts of parks (the city won't let them in parks anymore). This is also why people are finding piles of Jews For Jesus pamphlets in trash cans all over the city. They're going to find another such pile today.

The way it works is, a Jew For Jesus will spot you from afar and based on the way you walk he'll decide that you look like an easy convert. He'll approach you, but as he gets closer he'll start to forget his own sales pitch ("I know what you're thinking� 'Jews For Jesus? What'll they think of next?' Well that's what I used to think until I read this embarrassing pamphlet�") because your beauty will strike him to his core and it will seem like an injustice to sing the praises of anybody but the very woman walking towards him on the sidewalk just ten paces away.

He'll stand before you and you'll wait for him to find some words. He'll stammer out, "I know what...I...What was I thinking?"

You'll say, "Oh dear, not another one."

"I've been a fool, searching everywhere for answers and then a face like yours appears from out of nowhere and I can't even remember the question."

"Isn't there someone you can talk to before you give it all up?"

He'll toss his pile of pamphlets into the garbage.

"Please, they're all morons. Have you seen the pamphlets they make us hand out?"

You'll plead with him, "But your faith. I can't displace that."

"Too late," he'll say. "No way Jesus is prettier than you. I'm going to go watch TV. Unless, can I buy you some coffee?"

You'll shake your head sadly. "I'm seeing someone."

"Then I'm going to go watch TV," the former Jew For Jesus will say. He'll wander off into the park for the first time since he embraced the faith. You'll worry about him, but there's no need. If he was able to become a Jew For Jesus, it won't be long before he joins some other church that meets in the back of a pizza place. You're real pretty and all, and your face may have robbed him of his faith, but if he was giving Jews For Jesus a shot his faith wasn't screwed on all that tight in the first place.

Happy You Make Jews For Jesus Give Up Both Day!