Friday, January 05, 2007

Warn Elementary School Children About What's In The Sewers Day!

You've spent the last few years giving "Scare Assemblies" at elementary schools. It's a pretty good circuit. The pay is limited by school boards, but in the past decade it's been voted up to a pretty good sum since parents have been demanding that schools shell out more money to scare their kids away from more stuff. The key to making a living is to choose a topic that isn't too overcrowded.

The sex scare racket is so crowded that there's practically one act per school. Same with drugs. "Cult Awareness" is a pretty good one to get into, but you're not going to be competitive unless you've actually spent a few years in a cult and managed to escape. Way too much of an investment.

"Bullies" will still get you some gigs in the Midwest. "Gangs Are Bad" will work most anywhere, but again, you have to have either been a gangmember or a cop. "Eating Disorders" is like a license to print money. But guess what, that one is usually run by ladies. When it came time to figure out what kind of lecture to give, you looked at your qualifications (you're missing an arm, you know what's in sewers), and you wrapped it all up in a bow.

"You think you know what's in the sewers?" you start off. "Think it's just a nice little stream of tadpoles? Well maybe you oughta just climb down there and see if you're right. And if you see the thing that took THIS�!" That's when you whip out your stump of an arm and all the kids gasp. "Make sure and tell it hi from me."

You lost your arm in a drunk driving accident in '86 (your fault), but as far as your paycheck is concerned, it gotten eaten off by something that lives in the sewers.

"No matter how much you like to explore and pretend you're one of the Goonies or whatever, don't go down into the sewers kids," you always tell them. Then you list what's down there.

Giant rats
Giant snakes
Giant raccoons
Vengeful abandoned babies
Escaped convicts
The homeless
Bat-Tigers (blind tigers with giant bat wings)
The Queen of the Underthings and Her Bloodthirsty Minions

"There are also some baseballs down there. Stickballs. Hockey pucks. Every ball you ever last during a street game. Those balls cost you about 2 bucks at the sporting goods store. How much do you think THIS cost?!" You show them the stump again and all the kids gasp again. Then you say thank you.

At the end of today's lecture, when they all start clapping, you'll notice one kid who's sitting still as a stone, staring straight ahead with a sneer on his face. Go to him.

"Nice show," the kid will say.

"You been there," say to him.

He'll nod once.

"What'd you see?"

The kid will turn to you. "The question you ought'a ask is, what'd I take?"

Wait for him. He'll make you wait a second. Then he'll open up his bookbag and pull out a ball of cafeteria napkins. He'll unwrap the ball and reveal a black furry chunk of a Bat-Tiger's wing.

"No one's ever returned from a battle with the Bat-Tiger with a tale to tell," you'll say to him.

"I don't have any tale to tell just yet," the kid will say. "The story ain't over. You wanna be a part of it?"

Say to the boy, "We go down tonight. At midnight."

Then get away from the boy before a school administrator is forced to add you to a pederast watch-list. Nothing can kill a scare lecture career faster.

Happy Warn Elementary School Children About What's In The Sewers Day!