Thursday, January 20, 2005

Take The Gun Out Of My Mouth And I'll Tell You Day

Take The Gun Out Of My Mouth And I'll Tell You Day!

It's not safe to have a gun in your mouth. It could go off, and kill you. Also, guns are notoriously dirty. They're often kept inside people's pants, pressed up against the bare pelvis held tight underneath the belted waistline. Sure, she's your girlfriend of two years and you're more than happy to ingest whatever might be smeared all over her pelvis. But you don't know where she got that gun. It's doubtful that she bought it brand new. More likely, she bought it from a gun show or Craig's List. Who knows the state of the pants that gun has lived inside. And now it's in your mouth.

"I don't know how to work this thing," she says. Bringing you back to the "gun could go off and blow your head open" thesis. Considering all the filth that's probably living inside your mouth right now, getting your head blown off doesn't sound like such a bad idea. But there's something you can do to avoid getting your head blown off and to get that filthy gun out of your mouth. You can tell her what she wants to know.

"Grrllllargh," you say.

"You ready to talk?" she asks.

"Khhhlaaaersshhhccch," you say.

"If I pull this gun out of your mouth and you don't tell me what I wanna hear, I'm gonna shove it back in for the last time. Understand? Bye bye brains," she says.

"Haaahgglllh," you say.

She considers your eyes. And with a swift jerk of her shoulder she yanks the gun past your teeth and holds it an inch from your chin. You pant fresh air into your lungs and spit saliva to your chin.

"Make me happy," she says.

"Kim," you say. "I think you're so great that you should look for work as an angel because that's what you look like."

The furrow in her brow goes flat. She looks down at the gun, then looks into your eyes.

"Okay," she says. "Now do you know how to get the hammer to go back into the gun without shooting any bullets?"

"Lemme see," you hold out your hand for her to give you the gun.

"No funny business," she says.

She hands you the gun, and you shove it in her mouth and demand to know who's the squeeziest pleasiest boyfriend she ever had.

Happy Take The Gun Out Of My Mouth And I'll Tell You Day!