Tuesday, February 10, 2004

Dry Clean Only Day!

Give chase when you spot the masked gunmen tossing the girl from the Dry Cleaners into the back of their van before taking off down the road. They either took her because they wanted a hostage with which to bargain, or perhaps they were as charmed with her as you are. Your Five-Year Plan has you marrying that girl by October of year three (you learn her name this coming July). And you'll be damned if a couple thugs with handguns are going to make you boot up Powerpoint and edit your Five-Year Plan presentation again.

Don't call the police. They'll only get in the way. Just follow the thugs to the abandoned warehouse they use as a hideout. Once they're inside, drive around the building and make note of all potential exits. Then go and buy weapons. You're going to need forty-six hundred dollars.

Spend the next few days outside the warehouse eating sandwiches and noting when the thugs come and go. If they ever let the girl from the Dry Cleaners out for some exercise, note that as well. It's important. If you have to go to the bathroom, use a public place nearby, maybe a library, and don't take too long. Though you should only be away from the warehouse for as little time as possible, you shouldn't hold it in because the discomfort will wear on your concentration.

"They're probably raping her in there," you're going to think. Don't. The rage will make you burst in and kill everybody before the time is right. Listen to radio stations.

Once you think you have their schedule of comings and goings down pat, calculate when you think they're the drowsiest. 3:30 PM? Thought so.

At 3:30 PM, burst into the warehouse through one of the exits and use your weapons to kill everyone except the girl from the Dry Cleaners. She'll be afraid of you at first because she just watched you murder many men. Hold out your hand to her, palm first, like you're summoning a kitty. She'll come.

Walk her out to the car, repeating to her, "You're safe now. It's okay. No one's gonna hurtcha." Drive her back to the Dry Cleaners, where her father will be waiting on the sidewalk wringing his hands. Because the girl and her parents are ethnic, they will invite you to their home and feed you lots of food. If it won't screw up your five-year plan too much, you can try and find out the name of the girl from the Dry Cleaners over the course of one of these meals. You can also ask her father if it'd be okay if you married her. He'll probably go for it, because not long after people meet you they come to the conclusion that you are a wonderful man.

Happy Dry Clean Only Day!