A Damp Cloth Day!
Lay back on the couch, feet up on the arm, a damp cloth on your forehead, wait. Your daughter has got some explaining to do.
"What are you doing with condoms?!" shout. Hold the open box with one missing up in front of her face. "And by the way, don't think I didn't notice that you're an hour past curfew.
She'll at first try to brush it off as some sort of gag, but she loves you too much to expect you to buy something like that. So she'll bring up a friend with whom you don't like her spending her time. She'll try to say she was holding them for her.
"Seriously, her dad would kill her. He's not like you. He drinks and hits and I think he touched her once."
Sit her down and explain to her that you know there's a lot you can't offer to her raising her all alone since her mom died. But you're doing your best, and you need her help if you start to go down the wrong path. Ask her for her help.
"I'm in love Daddy," she'll say. "But we haven't had sex yet. We tried, but we couldn't…get it in. That's why there's one condom missing."
Ask her why you haven't met this boy.
"You'd like him, don't worry about that. I think I was just being selfish. I love you both more than anything in the world, and I liked having those two completely separate worlds of love. Introducing the two of you would be sharing each of you with the other. Understand?"
Jesus, if your daughter doesn't off herself before she's 25 she's gonna be huge. Anyhow, tell her you're happy for her, but you want her to bring the boy by. You trust her judgment, and therefore you're excited to meet her first love. She'll assent. She'll kiss you and tell you you're a good daddy. Before you start to quiz her on her knowledge about sexually transmitted diseases, ask her one more important question: The boy's name.
She'll smile like you've never seen before. "His name is Johnny."
Happy A Damp Cloth Day!