Friday, January 09, 2004

It's The Girls Are Pretty "What's That Ghost Trying To Communicate To The Living So That He Can Finally Be At Peace?" Weekend!

Now that the new year has finally come to pass, Prettygirl has decided to get a lot of overdue errands out of the way. First on the to-do list is to finally shut that ghost up who keeps turning on all the faucets in the house every night at 2:45 AM. It's not going to be fun. The last ghost who had some shit to settle made Prettygirl drive to a Blockbuster in Rhode Island and pay off some late fees on an overdue rental of Anaconda. This one probably won't be much more interesting, but it could be as time consuming. Which is why the next three personal regression assignments are going up today. As usual, scroll down to read today's. If you read tomorrow's today, you'll lose the gift of sight.

Prettygirl is relatively sure this ghost has some unsettled issues involving water.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Drive-Thru Day!

You should have spent the night before getting real drunk and filling up a lot of water balloons with your piss. Today, when you're finished sleeping it off, get drunk enough to drive through some fast food drive-thru's without getting "the blindnesses." Place a giant order at each drive-thru. Ten items minimum. When you pull up to the window, your food won't be ready, so shout into the window "Let's go! I'm sittin' here with my dick in my hand! Let's go! Let's go!" over and over again. When the kid behind the window finally hands you all your food and asks for some money, say "You're about to meet my insides baby." Then slam the kid in the face with your balloon full of piss. Drive off without paying and repeat at the next drive-thru. Before long, you're going to be chased by policemen. You will either get away, crash your car and die, or go to jail for drunk driving, assault, and theft.

Happy Drive-Thru Day!

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Buried Alive Day!

Today, you and your lover should go out into the yard with some shovels and dig a six foot hole then flip a coin. If you called heads and the coin comes up heads, you get to be buried alive first. Lay down in the hole and smile up at your lover as he or she scoops the dirt overtop your most definitely alive and probably in love body. Once the weight of the six foot mound of loosened soil is atop your frame, crushing your lungs and defining your existence as a place that is only and ever darkness, take stock and you might find out a few things.

1.) If whilst buried alive you think to yourself, "Here I am happy because the dirt has clotted in my ears and there is no chance of ever hearing my lover's cold, condescending tone of voice anytime he or she refuses to admit that he or she is a monster who does monstrous things. Such peace," then you two have a few things to work out after you get dug back up, bury your lover alive, dig your lover back up again and go inside for cocktails.

2.) If your lover does not dig you back up, you can conclude that your lover is seeing someone else before you die of asphyxiation.

3.) If you get hard, I don't know man.

When and if your lover digs you back up, your lover should lay down in the grave and smile up at you while you shovel the dirt. Make sure to dig your lover back up or else he or she will find out about your affair.

Happy Buried Alive Day!

Friday, January 9, 2004

Puppy The Guppy Day!

Lewis has a ten gallon tropical fish tank, meticulously ornamented, and containing only one guppy. He's named his guppy, Puppy. From now until the end of time, it's Lewis and his friend, Puppy the guppy.

"Puppy doesn't like you. I'm afraid we can't keep seeing each other," Lewis has told several women he's dated over the years. "I'm sorry, it's not you. It's Puppy."

Puppy is very protective of Lewis. One might call Puppy possessive.

"Lewis is pretty awesome to me," says Puppy, "But when I think about him giving his attention to someone else, human or fish, I just wanna go ripshit." In a jealous rage, Puppy will often try to trash his fish tank, but he usually just ends up gently swimming into things.

"All I wanna do is make Puppy happy," says Lewis. "But I can never do enough it seems."

Puppy is presently not speaking to Lewis ever since Puppy caught Lewis updating his Nerve Personals profile.

"I'm a man. Puppy's a fish. He's the most important living thing in my life but I just need more." Lewis shakes his head. "This isn't going to end well at all."

It really isn't.

Happy Puppy The Guppy Day!