Friday, January 30, 2004

Crewcut Lee Day!

Lee Gerosopolous could not be described as, "A Person You'd Recall Having Met Several Times Before." While Lee Gerosopolous might remember word-for-word a twelve minute conversation he had with you at a party, he'll still introduce himself to you the next time he sees you because he'll assume that you haven't the faintest memory of ever having seen him before in your entire life. And he'll be right.

Lee Gerosopolous once saved a woman from choking on an olive pit. He used the Heimlich maneuver on her, stabbed his thumb up underneath her breast and jerked her insides up out of her throat. Then she turned around and cried in his arms, thanking him over and over. Three days later they stood on line together at a bank, Lee directly in front of her. He turned around and said hello and the blank look in her eyes told Lee that he was about to do some explaining until she finally nods and says "Oh right that was you wasn't it," her tone indicating that she is recognizing him solely based on the fact that he knows things only the man who gave her the Heimlich maneuver three nights ago could know.

This story should end up with Lee falling in love with a girl who remembers meeting him, but whom Lee cannot remember meeting. That'd be adorable.

Anyway, Lee's gonna get a crewcut today. He's never had one. After he gets the crewcut, everyone's going to know him as Crewcut Lee. Literally, everyone. It'll start with the barber, who'll flip the smock from atop Lee's big belly and say, "There you go, Crewcut Lee. Upsie-daisy" But Lee will have never been to this barber before, and won't remember telling the Barber his name, or speaking at all in fact. Which is why Lee will wonder what made this barber take it upon himself to give Lee a crewcut, when he clearly walked in with a head full of just-part-it-on-the-side.

When Lee steps out of the Barbershop, a man he's never seen before will stop in his tracks and say to Lee, "Hey, Crewcut Lee. Wanna see my new car?"

Lee will step out of the doorway to allow whomever this man is addressing to step out and follow him to his new car. But no one will be there. So Lee will shrug and follow the man half a block down to where he parked his new Accord.

"Like it?" The man will ask. Lee will nod.

"Good." With that the man will get into his car and drive away.

Before Lee has the chance to ponder what just happened, he'll see a couple he's never seen before waving from across the street. They'll both be shouting, "Crewcut Lee! Crewcut Lee!"

Lee will wave back.

"We did it! She'd due in June!" the man will shout. Then he'll point to the woman's stomach. Lee will decide on a thumbs up. The couple will wave once more and walk on.

Lee will rub his fuzzy skull and glance down the avenue at three large men running towards him. "Things have only been odd for a few minutes," Lee will think. "But it's a safe bet those three guys are comin' for me." Lee will run.

But he won't run fast enough. The three large men will catch up to him after a block and a half. Panting, they'll surround Lee. The shortest one (5' 8", 300+ lbs) will say, "Crewcut Lee, did you see a little white kid run past here? Holding a cash drawer?"

Lee will shake his head no.

"Awright, good lookin' out Crewcut Lee." The three large men will race off around the corner.

Lee will stand where he was stopped, searching the intersection, wondering which of the strangers going about their business will be the next to address him as an old friend.

"Must be something to do with this haircut," he'll say out loud. "Crewcut." He'll face a shop window and take himself in, whisper, "Crewcut Lee."

"Crewcut Lee!"

Lee will turn around to find a green Dodge Neon idling at the curb, the man who just shouted to him smiling behind the driver's seat.

"What you up to?"

Lee will think for a second, look around at nobody. He'll say, "Not a lot. You?"

"I'm gettin' outta this town baby. I ain't comin' back neither. Wanna come?"

Lee will blink three times before getting into the passenger seat. 8 mos. later, no body will have been found, but Crewcut Lee will be assumed dead. A memorial service will attract thousands.

Happy Crewcut Lee Day!