Wednesday, November 27, 2002

Outgoing Message Day!

You should do an Osama Bin Laden impression on your answering machine. Have him say, "Hello American infidel! So sorry about the planes and the buildings but you had it coming for a long time! Especially you, Chris! You know what I'm talking about." Then come out of your Osama impression and in your own voice say, "But seriously, you've reached [state your name and that of anyone else who might use that machine]. If you'd like to leave a message, please do so with your name, phone number, and the best time to reach you immediately after the beep. I/we will get back to you as soon as possible. If you're wondering how many times I'll try to call you back before giving up, remember what Kate Nelligan said to Stockard Channing in the 1983 movie 'Without A Trace'..." then do your impression of Kate Nelligan in the 1983 movie Without A Trace and shout, "Until I Can't Stand Anymore!!! Until...I...can't stand anymore!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!" Then go back to your own voice and say, "Oh and uh, if this is in response to that personal ad I placed about the Latte lover with the brown hair and the green poncho who made eye contact with me from across the Starbucks this past Monday, November 25 at 12:45 PM but I was in the middle of signing some papers with my real estate broker so I didn't get to talk to you but I could tell there was something there between us, I'm sorry but you're too late. I've fallen in love with somebody else." Then hold the phone up to the speaker of your stereo while the chorus to Wilson Phillips' "You're In Love" plays. Then turn off the stereo and allow for no more than six seconds of silence before you fire a gun and then drop a sack of rice on the floor to make it sound like someone just got shot (perhaps by his/her own hand?) then fell to the ground with a thump. Then hit the Save OGM button and just sit back and wait for the pussy train to pull into the station with a Toot Toot Toot!

Happy Outgoing Message Day!