Friday, November 22, 2002

Foggy Car Windows Day!

Drive to the parking lot of the office where you got laid off and don't forget to bring pornography. Park near where you always used to park so that your co-workers will recognize your car. If you can get there early enough, park in your old space before the chick to whom it was assigned pulls in for the day (they said you were laid off but in actuality they thought you were so weird that they just wanted you out of the office with as generous a severence package as they could dig outta the coffers so as to make sure you don't show up at the office one morning and do something drastic; like you're doing this morning. They went so far as to give your position a new title so it would look like your position was dissolved).

Once you're parked and you've had a couple cups of coffee, open up your pornography and begin to masturbate. You wanna generate the kind of heat that fogs up a car window like only two kids making out in a parking lot can. So you're gonna have to tease yourself. Bring yourself so close to orgasm you start to talk to yourself (start yelling at yourself for something stupid you said at a party a long time ago to someone you don't know anymore. Yell: "STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID!!!") , then lift your hands to the roof of the car, digging your nails into the upholstery, and just let yourself throb and pulse so that you burrow your buttocks into the ridges of the beaded seatcover to spread your asshole open wide until you force an air pocket up inside that makes you wanna let loose a clean fart. Hold the fart in so as to distract your mind from your engorged genitals. Have some more coffee to keep pumping blood down into your naughty crannies. Once the threat of orgasm has subsided, resume manual stimulation until you might come again.

This should get your windows nice and fogged up by quarter to nine, when all your former coworkers start pulling in, including your replacement who will pull up right behind you and stop there for maybe thirty seconds to realize that someone is making out where she is supposed to park and let that fact register before going and finding some visitor parking. No one will be able to see inside your car, but you will see blurs of color slowly approach your car and even more slowly pass it by as your coworkers walk to the office, which will be abuzz with talk of "Wasn't that [Insert Your Name Here]'s car with the windows all fogged up in the lot today?"

It will also be abuzz with responses to the above question. Responses like, "Yeah, I think it was."

And the buzzing will continue when the office becomes abuzz with other questions like, "Was [Insert Your Name Here] making out with somebody out there."

Then someone'll say yeah and when your replacement shows up to say that she couldn't park because some kids were making out in her space, they'll sit her down and tell her that that was the weird fucker that used to have her job and don't worry because Kevin's already calling security.

Kevin's already calling security so you should split after you come. Also, and I know this doesn't apply to you, but if you know anybody who would actually be into making out with you in your car parked in your old parking space at around 9 in the morning, go ahead, sure.

Happy Foggy Car Windows Day!