Friday, November 08, 2002

Freak The Babysitter The Fuck Out Day!

Whether it's the bookish neighbor girl who seems a little sad about something or the gay boy that was recommended to you on your office email bulletin board, he or she has gotten a free ride for long enough. These are your children we're talking about. How's about you keep their hormone-addled, potentially suicidal, possibly recently date-raped teenage caregiver on his or her toes.

I'm not saying get a nannycam, Orwell. I'm saying send the virgin rifling into houseplants and behind crevices on the bookshelf to find the nannycam that ain't even there. All you have to do is go about your business like you would any other "Date Night" (you two are fucked by the way). "Jenny had a nap at five so she might be a little rowdy," you'll say in the dismissive tone of someone saying shit no one needs to hear because everyone's on the same page. "There's some pizza and coke in the fridge and you're welcome to it." Right, right. Little Tommy is already at his or her feet begging to be held upside down. And when the spouse is already in the car and you're just about to close the door just let the following drop to the carpet as light as a feather:

"Oh and by the way we know what's going on. Be home at 11."

Then shut the door behind you. When that movie or that dinner party starts to bore the living shit out of you, just imagine the frenetic activity going on in your home as a freshly panicked teen racks his or her brain to make sure what was heard was heard right. If only you could be there to watch your sitter hold your baby in such a delicate and hesitant manner so as to avoid any possible misinterpretation of "innapropriate touching." How sad the phone calls will be to boyfriends and girlfriends who can't come over and remove their tops on your couch anymore (this bums you out a little). Sure, you might have to look for another sitter next week, but at least that kid's gonna remember you for the rest of his or her gradually less enchanting lifetime. Not to mention that no one's going to be complaining about stretched out dresses no more.

What's it like to be as unhappy as you?

Happy Freak The Babysitter The Fuck Out Day!