Sunday, January 29, 2012

Your Husband Was A Kidnapper For The Last Twenty-Five Years Day!

You were just really scared to go down the basement, so you were more than happy that he would volunteer to go down there whenever something needed fetching. It’s not that you were trying not to find out that there was a steady parade of kidnap victims bound and gagged down there. You just really never had any reason to go down and find them.

“Everyone thinks I’m stupid,” you’ll tell him through the glass on visiting day. “They all think I’m just this gullible idiot who can’t even discover a string of kidnappings when their victims are right under my feet.”

“Maybe you didn’t want to know.”

Your husband will point out all the luxuries that his kidnappings have provided you over the years. His ransoms have paid for your vacations together, your new cars every few years, your spa treatments and your wardrobe.

“Maybe you knew if you went down the basement, it would all go away,” he’ll say.

Tell him you absolutely had no idea that his income was derived solely from ransom. If it hadn’t been printed in the paper, you would never have known that since 1986 he has kept 32 known victims of abduction down there.

“I never had the slightest inkling!” you’ll insist.

“Okay,” he’ll say, exasperated. “I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt here. If you didn’t have a clue, then yeah, you look like kind of an idiot. I mean a few of those folks were real screamers. The gag can’t perform miracles.”

You’ll recall a few moments when you heard strange noises from down there.

“I thought it was the wishing machine going off balance.”

“Oh for Christ’s sake,” your husband we’ll say. He’ll slam his phone down and ask the guard to return him to his cell.

Before you get up, the woman in the booth next to yours will say, “Miss, before you leave, don’t forget to check the inside of your pocketbook. You never know how many ransomed human beings might have been stashed in there when you weren’t looking.”

At that everyone in the visiting area will burst out in laughter, and you’ll run from the prison in tears.

Happy Your Husband Was A Kidnapper For The Last Twenty-Five Years Day!