Monday, January 02, 2012

Confess Your Drunk Driving Hit And Run To Your Cats Day!

The only way to get this off your conscience is to confess. Unfortunately, if you confess to a human they’ll probably insist that you go to the police or at least cut down on your drinking. Your cats, however, aren’t quite so judgey. It’s a lot to lay on them all at once but it’s time they earned their keep.

“Listen up assholes,” say to them after you’ve gathered them all in the living room and blocked the kitchen door to keep them from getting way. “Your owner did something she regrets, and it’s only fair that you know what it is.”

Take a long sip of your Moscow Mule. This is going to be hard to get out.

“Last year around Easter Sunday. Wait, was it Easter Sunday? Ah fuck it you assholes don’t know what Easter is. Anyway I was tooling around looking for this one bar I remembered used to give away free chicken strips at happy hour. All a sudden this guy just jumps in front of my car out of nowhere. Splat.”

Two of your cats will stare at you with concern. The other four will be fighting over a q-tip they found.

“I stopped. I didn’t just peel away or anything. I went out to see what I could do. But when he rolled over and asked for help, he looked like my Dad. No way was I taking him to the hospital with that face on his skull. So I booked it.”

Down the rest of your Mule, then scratch the head of the cat who jumped on your lap at the end of the story. Your cats forgive you. Maybe it’s time you forgave yourself, even though considering all those details you don’t deserve to be forgiven in the slightest.

Happy Confess Your Drunk Driving Hit And Run To Your Cats Day!