Sunday, January 08, 2012

Assface Day!

He tells you not to call him Assface because that’s what his wife calls him.

“It’s kind of an inside joke,” he says. “Like she doesn’t really think I’m an assface. She just called me that once while we were doing it. ‘Keep it comin’ Assface!’ Like that’s the last thing your wife would ever say to you while you’re making love. It was really funny at the time.”

Ask him why he’s sleeping with prostitutes if he thinks she’s so funny.

“The joke’s gotten a little old I guess,” he’ll say.

You’ll have sex with him for twelve minutes, then he’ll return to see you every week for the next three years until one day he says it’s time to stop.

“I thought the whole me having sex with a prostitute thing was kind of a gag. Like it was the last thing a guy like me would ever do. When we were having sex it was like there were quotation marks around the whole act. Like if anyone saw me with you they’d never think I was actually with you, you know?”

He’ll sit on the edge of your bed, his shoulders slumped.

“But this week I realized that if I’m having sex with a prostitute, then I’m exactly the kind of guy who’d have sex with a prostitute. And if my wife calls me assface, then she’s totally the kind of woman who would call her husband assface, because that’s what she thinks of me.”

He’ll take your hands and say, “I only want to be true. Say something true to me.”

Tell him, “You were my least favorite client, Assface. Even though I’m a prostitute and I only see the kind of guys who would sleep with prostitutes, I used to worry about my other clients seeing me with you and thinking less of me.”

He’ll say thank you. You gave him the first genuine moment he’s experienced in years.

Happy Assface Day!