Monday, January 16, 2012

Mary Jane Day!

You and your friends like to smoke Mary Jane. At first it was just to be cool, then you started to get addicted. One thing led to another, and now you’re running a human trafficking ring solely to get your next fix.

“I used to dream of growing up to become a great man. Instead I became a guy who forces innocent women into prostitution.”

Take another hit of Mary Jane, then try to bargain the Russian down to $12,000 per girl.

“Thirteen,” the Russian will say. “You wouldn’t be so short on money if you didn’t smoke so much Mary Jane.”

“If I didn’t smoke so much Mary Jane I wouldn’t be involved in this game at all. I would have been the president of the United States.”

You’ll start to cry, but the Russian won’t blink an eye. He’ll just take your money and load the girls onto your truck while you sob. He’s used to people crying while he does business with them, because he does a lot of business with people who smoke a lot of Mary Jane.

“It inspires sudden attacks of crippling regret in the people who smoke it,” the Russian will say to you as he pats you on the shoulder. “You should quit.”

You’ll be stunned that he could be so stupid. “No one can quit Mary Jane. One puff and you’re addicted for life. The only way I could ever quit is—”

The Russian will give you a look that says, “Yes, that’s what I mean. You should kill yourself. That’s what I mean by quit.”

“It is the only way to get out from under the weight of addiction to Mary Jane.”

Tonight, after the girls you bought are all safely chained up in a basement, you’ll finally, and for eternity, kick the habit.

Happy Mary Jane Day!