Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Things Don't Turn Out The Way They Were Supposed To Day

Things Don't Turn Out The Way They Were Supposed To Day!

Call in sick to your temp agency and get on a train to your childhood home. Stake it out for a little while, to make sure the current occupants have all left the premises for the day. Once the coast is clear, sprint across the lawn and hop the fence to the back yard.

They chopped down the rose bushes, but the grass where they used to stand doesn't match. Dig there. You remember it being at least six feet under the surface, but you actually never managed to get deeper than a foot and a half.

Slap. You hit the shoebox.

The scotch tape you sealed it with when you were ten just slips off of the cardboard. Inside, the box has become a home to potato bugs and a bunch of larvae of some kind. You fish the piece of paper out from underneath all of the creatures.

Shake the piece of paper out over the grass and unfold it carefully. It still rips at the creases. Lay it down on the ground. It says at the top, "Here's how things are gonna turn out." Underneath that is a crayon drawing of you getting out of a limousine holding money in your fists with lots of people cheering.

"Oh yeah," you think. "That's how things were supposed to turn out."

Take a piss on the drawing, then replace the dirt in the lawn so it looks like you were never there. Now pick up the piss-drenched drawing and box (be careful, they're covered in piss) and toss them in the plastic bag in the back seat of your rental car, making a point to toss them in the trash later. Get back home early enough to lay claim to the TV for the night before your roommate does.

Happy Things Don't Turn Out The Way They Were Supposed To Day!