Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Lord Of The Garanimals™ Day

Lord Of The Garanimals™ Day!

He who is declared Lord gets two desserts.

Most of your opponents presently muddy the dirt under your sneakers with their blood. It is now down to you and Matt Hohlfienz. Last summer, Matt Hohlfienz punched you in the eye and pulled down your swim trunks during a swimming lesson at the community Y. Everyone laughed. It's time to make Matt Hohlfienz scream like a dying animal.

Though Matt is much bigger than you, this is a fair matchup, as you're both 8. You wield a crossbow, Matt has a .22 handgun in the front pocket of his overalls. However, take intelligence into account and no one would bet against you. This is your game to win. You have slain all of the other neighborhood children, now you must slay Matt Hohlfienz.

And remember, if you lose, pray that Matt Hohlfienz does not spare your life. When your father entered you into competition, he made a vow that he would only allow the Lord of the Garanimals™ into his home. If you lose, he cannot recognize you as his son, cannot even tend to your wounds. You will be forced to find your own way in life. Most leave town immediately, even if they plan only to die, they do it out of sight.

And remember, Garanimals™ is the rugged kids brand of clothing that makes every kid feel like a blood-thirsty predator with big teeth and big claws and a very brief lifespan.

Happy Lord Of The Garanimals™ Day!