Monday, December 20, 2004

Who Cut The Cheese Day

Who Cut The Cheese Day!

Say, "Who cut the cheese?"

No confessions.

Repeat, "Who cut the cheese?"

No confessions.

Pick up the child with the messiest hands. Say into his face, "Did you cut the cheese?"

The child will not confess.

Bring the children into the milk room in pairs, making sure not to pair up any children who are often seen playing together. A method known as Chatham's Uncomfortable Contract. Two people with no history, no shorthand for communication, no basis of knowing how the other will react to a situation, they get thrown together and they rush each other to a compromised position with the interrogator, neither wanting to give the other the chance to shift suspicion with an accusation.

Wear them down.

Shout into the first child's face: "Did you cut the cheese? No? Are you accusing him then? No? Then it must have been you!"

This is the Morrissey Axiom of interrogation. Pose no question that offers safe exit from the interrogation room. The suspect should be as damned in denying the crime as he is in confessing the crime.

"You two want me to believe neither one of ya's never puffed but the rosiest perfumes out between those cheeks, that it?" say. "Then you better tell me who done it, if you're so sure."

This is Handel's "Bottom Line." The suspects have been ground so far down they don't see any options open. There is no such thing as truth at this level. They gave up hope on the truth setting them free a dozen hours ago. The only hope they have for ever being let go is to tell the interrogator exactly what he wants to hear. At this point, you should be waiting out in the playroom, watching the other children fake their way through naptime, giving the two in the milk room a chance to formulate a cohesive story.

When you go back into the milk room, those two kids are going to tell you who stunk a fart into the day care center.

Happy Who Cut The Cheese Day!