Friday, December 24, 2004

It's The Girls Are Pretty "Go Into The Woods And Find A Little Bit Of Truth" Weekend

It's The Girls Are Pretty "Go Into The Woods And Find A Little Bit Of Truth" Weekend!

It's all coming apart at the seams for Prettygirl. One morning, about four years ago, she woke up feeling like things were going to be getting worse from then on. She tried to ignore it throughout constant narcotics abuse, which was really really fun and gave her some good ideas for children's books she plans to write and illustrate one day, but they didn't help her to pretend that life works on some level. At one point, she took the advice of a grandmother and tried to give and receive love. Pure chicanery.

So now, Prettygirl's going into the woods in the hopes that watching frogs hump will put some blood back in her veins. If she doesn't start to perk up in a couple of days, she'll take off all of her clothes (Prettygirl's got a nice bod still, and whenever's she's naked it's a good thing), lay down on the frozen dirt and let the cold have her last breaths (which she'll be able to see, cause it'll be cold). If she finds, as the long-haired poets might say, "Something to believe in," she'll be back with more horseshit for you all to obey thoughtlessly. Either way, she's putting some days up in advance since she doesn't expect to make it to a Kinko's anytime soon. Scroll down to read today's today. Don't read tomorrow's until tomorrow or you'll grow one of those 115 pound tumors in your stomach that you'll assume is just the result of you being a big fat pig.

These might be the last ever. Make them count.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Scold Your Pets For Not Being Romantic Enough Day!

Tell Wiffles that she never tries to surprise you. That she takes you for granted. Tell her that it would be nice if you could just come home one day to find that Wiffles had done something, perhaps arranged her poo to look like your face or whatever, just to let you know that you're still special. Wiffles will just kind of walk away because she doesn't speak English. When she does, weep.

Happy Scold Your Pets For Not Being Romantic Enough Day!

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Get Up From The Table And Go Day!

Tonight, your lover will tell the truth. He'll tell you what he's been so afraid to say for such a long time. He'll tell you that far more frightening than the potential retribution from various foreign governments, is the possibility that you might think less of him.

React thusly: Get up from the table and go out to the street. Run down the street in your bare feet with no idea where to go, who to go to. He'll catch up to you in the car after a few blocks. You'll get in and you two will come up with a plan. You'll say to him, "I'm involved now. I'm in just as much danger as you. Thanks a lot jerkface."

Happy Get Up From The Table And Go Day!

Friday, December 24, 2004

Covet Children At A Playground Day!

You're childless and empty. Worthless, in the eyes of the world and your Lord. Your lack of children is proof that you remain unloved and unlovable. Go to the playground and look at all the beautiful children at play. As you watch them, whisper aloud a both ends of a conversation you imagine you're having with your own little boy or girl. It's fun to pretend at 38.

Happy Covet Children At A Playground Day!