1. When you first wake up in the morning! Stay in bed and listen to the alarm. Listen to it blare, over and over. Sounds like a child sobbing, doesn’t it? Is that child you, crying in mourning for the person that child hoped you’d be? Maybe. Okay! Time to start your day!
2. In the shower! Plant your palms against the tile, lower your head, and watch the water circle the drain. Those are your dreams disappearing into those pipes, your dreams of being a good person, of accepting honest love, of hanging on to those strands of hair that just fell off your scalp. Okay, now towel off!
3. On your commute! You used to laugh at all these people in their cars. You used to say, “That’ll never be me in that herd. I’ll die first.” Now you compare your BMW to the cars of neighboring drivers. Most of the time, you think you’re a better person than they are. That’s the kind of man you are now. But hey, look at that guy in the old Buick. Least you didn’t turn out like that guy!
4. While laying off massive numbers of your workforce! During the conference call broadcast to seven floors of employees being let go today, put your end on mute and say to yourself, “These people have families. Some of them used to be my friends. Is this how I treat my friends now? I used to value friendship.” Now get back to those layoffs. You have racquetball in an hour.
5. While listening to your daughter’s voicemail OGM! Is this the kind of parent you thought you’d be? The kind whose daughter stopped speaking to him nine years ago, putting herself through college because she refused to accept anything from you? Now your relationship consists of listening to her voice on her OGM and never leaving a message, the only message she needs to hear, the one where you say, “I’m sorry.” Man, kids are a chore!
6. While buying a sex slave from a secret, high-end human trafficking ring! After you raise your bid to $250,000, reflect on what you just did. Back in college, if you thought you’d turn into the kind of person who’d buy and sell human beings like they were stereo equipment, you’d have been really disappointed in yourself. Wait a minute, that asshole from Dubai just bid $275K. Don’t let him beat you again!
7. While gathering old photos of yourself into a pile, setting the pile on fire, then putting the fire out with your own urine! You’re starting to worry that this nightly ritual is a reflection of you being slightly disappointed in yourself. But hey, you’re no shrink! Almost bedtime!
8. While having a glass of milk just before bed! Taste the milk and remember when you used to drink milk as a child. Get inside that little kid’s head. Hey, wait a minute! That little kid used to dream about growing up to be an evil, immoral sociopath! All your dreams really did come true! You did it!
Happy 8 Moments When You Should Take A Break, Look At Your Life, And Wonder What Happened To The Man You Hoped To Be Day!