Go on a game show called Wife And Mother for your chance to win a husband and some kids as well as a lifetime wardrobe for each provided by Kohl’s. The husband is guaranteed to be moderately giving in bed, mildly expressive emotionally, and he’ll only hit you twice over your thirty plus years of marriage, the second time sending him into AA. Your kids are guaranteed to be B students with manageable depression, though the genetic trail shows there is a small chance that one of them could grow up to be a serial killer. If you don’t like your husband or any of your kids, just whisper the word “disemploy” into the offending family member’s ear and he or she will take their own life in as sanitary a manner possible (not chargeable as murder in every state but Georgia). If any of your kids shows signs of being a serial killer do not go to the police. Call Dr. Sohlzenyetzn immediately and leave a recording of all warning signs currently being exhibited. Your husband will be guaranteed to be faithful under penalty of termination. If the sensors under his skin detect his presence inside another woman or man, his heartbeat will slow, gradually depriving blood to his brain, sending him into a coma, then death. Your children will not have gluten allergies, peanut allergies, nor will they have any strong leanings politically. One finger on the left hand of each child will be a weapon prototype in beta testing. Your husband and children will not be robots. They will be real humans according to the definition agreed upon by eleven scientists. Their modifications are minor improvements and no one will be able to deny them the equal rights afforded to all humans under American law.
“Do you understand your potential prize as I’ve explained it to you?” host Jack Slacks will ask you when the wheel stops spinning.
“Yes I do, Jack,” tell him. “And I’m ready to go for ALL THE MARBLES!”
Happy Win A Husband And Some Kids Day!