Monday, May 14, 2012

What To Do At Your Boyfriend’s Funeral Day!

1. Arrive late so everyone’s wondering if it was just too much for you. Not so late that they start without you, but late enough that the church is full enough for people to start talking.

2. What you wear is important. If you plan to make a big, shocking announcement about how you never loved him and the honest thing to do would have been to break up with him but you didn’t so he died loving a liar, wear jeans and a tee shirt and make sure you show up wet from the rain. If it’s nice out, walk through a car wash. But don’t tell anyone you walked through a car wash if they ask why you’re all wet. Tell them, “I felt dirty so I stood under the shower for a while.” If you did love him and you don’t plan to make a big shocking announcement, black dress?

3. Who you show up with is important too. If he and your Dad fought a lot, show up on your Dad’s arm. If you slept with his best friend last night because you wanted to be close to someone who loved him just as much as you did, show up on your Dad’s arm anyway. His best friend will be upset that you didn’t want to show up to the funeral with him. At the reception, his best friend will tell you last night was very important to him because he always secretly loved you and he wants you two to try to make it happen. Tell him, “You’re not [DEAD BOYFRIEND’S NAME].”

4. Where to sit in the church: Pew 6, stage left, three seats from the aisle. No one will see it coming.

5. You need to decide ahead of time are you a big cryer, a medium cryer, or are you one of those girls who just sits there like a rock as everyone in the church keeps glancing over at you wondering when the fuck is she going to cry already? “I took a sick day! Cry!” We suggest just below medium if you want to make his colleagues and not-very-close friends feel less excluded. If you’re crying really hard they might think it’s a funeral for longtime fans of the deceased only and it’s weird that they showed.

6. You should show up sober unless you think you could have prevented his death. Alcohol’s fine if this was your fault. Why didn’t you do something?

7. Not sure what to do with the holy water basin by the entrance, but no one is. Maybe just dip the tip of your index finger then suck the water off it.

8. At the burial, don’t jump into the grave onto the casket. You’re better than this.

9. As the coffin is being lowered into the ground, kiss your fingertips and touch them to the wood. You’ll feel something kiss back. It’s not him. You’re just letting it hit you now. No matter how horrible you are, he touched your life and you just touched his coffin. You’re feeling it now.

10. You’re not horrible. Or at least you’re no more horrible than anyone else riding in the cars back to the reception. Nothing you feel is incorrect. Hopefully you made him happy sometimes while he was alive. Don’t play with the moon roof.

Happy What To Do At Your Boyfriend’s Funeral Day!