Friday, October 29, 2010

Tell Your Best Friend You Never Liked Her Husband Day!

Tell her as soon as she's done dialing consulates.

"I know I'm supposed to wait before I say this," tell her. "That couples always end up getting back together and they remember everyone who took sides when they were split up. But I can't help it. You deserved better than him."

Your friend will be thrown, but just keep hitting her with the truth. She'll tell you she doesn't have time for your bullshit right now, and that she has to figure out which embassy to contact.

"He kind of made the two of you live out his dreams, you know?"

Your friend won't want to hear this, but that's only because deep down she agrees with you. She's just going to keep trying to find someone on the phone who understands prosecution procedure in Indonesia.

"I know it doesn't feel this way yet, but you're going to have a great life now that he's gone. The life you were meant to have."

Your friend will tell you that she really needs you to shut up. Her husband isn't gone, she'll say. He got scammed into transporting someone else's bag through customs and it was full of heroin, and now he is at risk of spending the rest of his life rotting in a jail cell on the other side of the planet.

"I know someone who would be great for you," tell her. "He works in marketing. A little young for you, but I bet you two would hit it off."

Your friend will try to shut you out while she tallies her savings to figure out if she has enough for a plane ticket, lodging, and the cost of a lawyer who'll stick with a case that could drag on for months if not years.

"Screw it, let's get trashed! Girls night!"

Your friend will realize she doesn't even know where Indonesia is. She'll google it, then she'll collapse into a sobbing mess beside her desk chair. Put "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce on the stereo and see if the two of you aren't dancing with empowerment by the second verse.

Happy Tell Your Best Friend You Never Liked Her Husband Day!