Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Rob Your Ex-Wife Day!

Russel's going to be the last one lingering at the end of your backyard party, he'll be standing by the honeysuckle bush, sipping his O'Douls and looking like he's not waiting around to pitch you on a new score.

"You know how much cash those Pitch N Putts take in on a Saturday?"

"You wanna rob a Pitch N' Putt?"

He'll shake his head no, then he'll hold up three fingers.

"Three Pitch N Putts. You're out of your mind."

He'll name them. The Putt Putt. The Putt N Pitch. And the Pitch And Putt out on Route 40. All three owned by--

"Our ex-wife Clarise."

You and Russel were both married to Clarise. She divorced you to marry him in fact. It put a strain on your criminal collaborations, but after the wounds healed and you started dating again, you found you were able to forgive Russel. Once Clarise divorced him as well, Russel kind of forced his friendship on you again, and you decided it wasn't worth it to refuse.

"I'm over Clarise," tell Russel. "Long over her, in fact. It's still too soon for you to be making decisions like this. You're robbing with your heart, not your head."

Russel will jiggle the fake beer in his bottle. You'll start cleaning up the plates.

"Guess me and Keith'll just have to plan a robbery of three Pitch N Putts on our own, then," Russel will say.

"Why would Keith rob from his own wife?" you'll ask.

Russel will hold up the gossip page from the Pennysaver. The headline will read, Pitch N Putt Titan Drops Husband Number 3.

"Ex-wife," Russel will correct you.

Reading that headline, all the old humiliations will come rushing back at you. Your wife leaving you was one thing. Leaving to marry your partner, that made it even worse. Now she's left a third guy in the dust, making the three of you into a laughing stock. The three stooges. Clarise's castoffs. It's time to make her pay.

"How many guys you think we're gonna need to pull this off," you'll ask Russel.

"Thirty Seven," Russel will say. "Maybe thirty-eight. And guys we trust too."

Happy Rob Your Ex-Wife Day!