Friday, October 22, 2010

Nude Pete Day!

You're Nude Pete and you just woke up in an empty hospital that looks like the aftermath of a bloody battle. When you walk out into the hall, you'll find that people have written stuff from the bible in red paint on the walls, and there's trash all over the place and doors torn off their hinges. Looks like you're the only man who survived some kind of war between the living and the walking dead.

"Wonder if I still love being nude with no one alive to see me," you'll think.

Just to get a sense of yourself, you'll put on some clothes you find in one of the closets of a neighboring hospital room. A sweater and some slacks. The sweater will be a little big, but the slacks will fit okay. Head out into the hall and see how it feels.

"Hm. Gotta say, I'm not really feeling the urge to nude out, seeing as there's no one to take a gander," you'll think. "Is it really the case that all these years, I've gravitated toward nudity solely for the thrill of being seen by others. Am I really that dependent on the other?"

You'll go outside into the ruined and blood-soaked street and stare out at the still glowing embers of burned buildings and cars.

"So everything about my sense of self, it was all based in the reaction I got from witnesses. What a thing to learn about myself. I'm a small, small man," you'll think.

Sitting there in the hospital parking lot, you'll be delighted to discover another living human stumbling toward you. You'll quickly disrobe.

"Thank goodness," you'll say to the man, who appears to be coughing. "I just realized that I've kind of defined myself according to the gasps and titters I drew from others with my nakedness," you'll continue. "I was kind of worried there that with no other people around, I'd have to come up with a whole new 'thing.'"

The man will continue approaching you, and you'll see his eyes turn black and his limbs become stiff. You'll note a profound change in everything about the man. He no longer sees you as a person who just took off all his clothes. He, or rather, it can now only see you as a source of sustenance.

"Wow," you'll think. "Just like that, I couldn't give a crap about being nude in front of this guy. A little zombification and the jazz goes out the window."

You'll slip back into your clothes and then behead the undead man with one swing of a jagged shaft of steel you'll find nearby.

Ultimately, you'll find an empty apartment on the high floor of a building in which to hide. Zombies can't read, so outside the building you'll post a sign that reads, "If you're reading this, you haven't changed yet. I am on the eighteenth floor of this building and I want to show you my body." And that's how the surviving army of humanity will be marshaled together in a lone city apartment by you, Nude Pete, a man who just wants to live in a world where there are still cognizant human beings who will avert their eyes from the unexpected appearance of your naked sack.

Happy Nude Pete Day!