Friday, December 06, 2002

Wear A Mask Day!

There are some cool costume shops around town, especially near the university, where you can rent or buy a mask of Tom Cruise or Marylin Monroe or someone beautiful and famous like that. The bummer is, all the masks of beautiful people are also of famous people. They don't sell any masks that are nothing more than the rubber visage of some nameless vision of striking beauty. If someone opened up a costume shop that sold only "Attractive Person" costumes, they could make a killing off of people like you.

So anyway, buy the beautiful famous person mask because it's better than nothing. It'll suck because you'll have a lot of explaining to do at work. Everyone you bump into in the kitchen is going to be like, "Hey. It's not Halloween. You must really be a big fan of that celebrity if you're wearing that mask!"* Simply explain that you are not a fan of that celebrity. That you chose to wear a mask of that celebrity because you are ugly and you want to cover up your ugly face with a mask designed in the image of a face that is beautiful, such as Jeremy Davies'.

Your coworker might ask, "Why not just get plastic surgery? I mean, the mask is all rubbery and lifeless. It's not like anyone thinks that's your real face." Explain that you are not trying to hide the fact that you are an ugly person. You simply do not wish to continue to go out into the world with your ugly face naked of any obfuscation, that you no longer want people to look at you and think, "My goodness what an ugly person. One of the ugliest, no doubt, in the entire supermarket." You would prefer that they look at you in your mask and think, "That person must be quite ugly. And that is a very well-crafted mask of Tilda Swinton and it was probably quite expensive." The nice thing about so many people asking you about your mask is that you might talk to someone whose voice is pleasant.

Happy Wear A Mask Day!

*The person who says this will then laugh heartily at what he or she just said because when inside of an office, people will say things that should be said quite matter-of-factly, things devoid of any humor or suggestive meaning, but for some reason they will say these things quite loudly and laugh uproariously at them, regardless of the fact that the person could have just said something as basely declarative as "I use the staple remover to remove the staples."