Wednesday, December 11, 2002

It's Time You Had "The Talk" Day!

You'd hoped your temp assignment might have ended before this came to pass, but sadly it hasn't. Fact is, Roger Leventhal esq., the attorney whose secretary you've been filling in for these past few days, has been getting quite a lot of calls from someone with a giggle to her voice who goes by the name of "Martha."

And Mr. Leventhal (as he allows you to call him) has been giving you the desk instructions that only a man in love would give. "I'll be on my conference call. But if Martha calls, interrupt me." And don't forget when he came back from his luncheon yesterday and had you call operations to order him a new cell phone. "This one doesn't seem to be working. I've been expecting a call from Martha all afternoon and she hasn't called yet. She must not be able to get through. She hasn't called here has she?" And how about when he asked you what sort of flowers he should send to "Communicate to someone named Martha that she's made me realize how much a man can love a woman and that I've abandoned all my usual defenses and safeguards against getting too close and that even if I get chewed up and spit out into the sewer, I'll celebrate every patch of flesh that she might deign to rip from my body with her bared and frothing fangs." You said chrysanthemums and then you began to worry.

This assignment ends Friday so you'd better pencil in a block of time in Mr. Leventhal's schedule for you and he to have "the talk." He's just like a little boy lately, dancing in and out of his office and calling his divorce attorney and telling him to call the dogs off his soon-to-be-ex-wife and give her whatever she asks just as long as it gets things finalized as soon as possible. "And hey," you accidentally overheard when you hit the conference button on his line, "You might wanna get a standard pre-nup ready while you're at it." This is clearly not the same attorney you met on Monday morning when he came out of his office, saw you at his desk and shouted, "Belinda's on vacation this week? Just fucking great!" before slamming his office door shut behind him. This guy is head-over-heels in love and being head-over-heels in love is not the time to think about proceeding with caution. But if Roger Leventhal, esq. isn't able to consider the possible consequences of reckless behavior, his temp's going to have to do it for him.

Bottom line, I think it's time you talked to the attorney whose secretary you've been filling in for these past few days about sex.

Explain to him that it's only natural for a 47 year-old, recently separated, 7-figure-salaried attorney (who happens to be quite liquid thank you very much) to start having some confusing feelings about girls. And it's only natural for him to all of a sudden feel like he wants to touch and squeeze a pretty girl who makes him feel good. But you have to warn him that some girls might take advantage of those feelings just to get him to marry them because they're scared of dying poor. Tell him there's only one way to be sure if this Martha person is really in love with him. This is delicate, so use these words and you should get through it okay:

"Mr. Leventhal, I'm sure Martha is a lovely woman, but don't have sex with her unless she really likes to watch you ejaculate. Say to her, 'I wanna masturbate in front of you and I want you to watch me come all over my own belly. I want you to sit in this chair and watch me come. I'm gonna sit cross-legged on the floor here. Will you watch me make myself come, Martha?' If she agrees and she looks like she's way into it, she really does love you and you shouldn't even bother with the pre-nup. But if she acts like she doesn't dig it, she's a cop."

Phew, you'd think after temping as long as you have, this wouldn't be no big deal. But the squirm factor seems to get worse every time doesn't it?

Happy It's Time You Had "The Talk" Day!