Monday, December 16, 2002

Make Amends Day!

Hey Pretty Little Baby Baby, you made a boy lose his balloon today.

You wouldn't hold the lobby door open for a little boy carrying a balloon on a string because you knew if you held the door then it might not close fast behind the boy and catch the string in the doorframe with the balloon still stuck outside. The boy kept walking right behind you into the lobby of your building until the string was ripped from his little boy hand. And having only a little boy brain the boy didn't think to grab the string again before opening the door to retrieve his balloon, and so he set the string free of the doorframe and the wind whipped his balloon away.

And then you rode the elevator up with the crying little balloonless boy (the balloon said "Happy Birthday!") and you enjoyed every minute of it. He couldn't even blame you because as far as he knew, you didn't see him coming in behind you. And when you saw the little boy enter the apartment right next to yours, you ran inside your own apartment and put your ear up to the adjoining wall to giddily listen to him cry to his housekeeper. Then you tore up some photographs and drafted some angry emails to friends that you wisely deleted unsent.

Pretty Little Baby Baby was a little baby shit today.

But we understand that you were only so dark hearted today because you felt so unattractive and poor. Also, you are addicted to many substances and you have a pain in your side that is not indigestion because you only eat lettuce and bourbon. Everyone deserves to be cunty sometimes, as long as you eventually try to make amends.

No, don't go buy another balloon and give it to the boy. You have to live next to these people remember. Don't risk getting on a first-name basis. A much better idea would be to reverse a wrong anonymously.

For example, you know that list of accused date rapists some college girls started in the stall of the ladies' room of your favorite bar? Go back and put an "X" over all the names of your friends that you added to the list. And next to each one, add a parenthetical that reads "(Just Joshin'!)".

You're gonna go to bed feeling like you just volunteered at a goddamn soup kitchen!

Happy Make Amends Day!