Look in the camera and say, “Today we’re cooking my friend Lance.”
Then wheel Lance’s body out onto the stage and cut a hunk of meat from his midsection. Drop it into the pan and add some butter and paprika. The police will be on their way.
“Lance and I had a falling out,” tell the audience. “So I decided I no longer needed him as my friend. Now I’m going to eat him. So is my guest today, Channing Tatum.”
When Channing Tatum comes to the kitchen island, ask him about his next movie.
“I can’t think about my next movie,” Channing Tatum will say. “You’re mad.”
Stab Channing Tatum to death and slice a hunk of his buttocks off, then drop it in the pan.
“You at home won’t be able to find Channing Tatum or my friend Lance in your kitchen, but you can probably find some ingredients that will come close enough. Maybe an uncle you’ve had enough of?”
Take a bite of the seared flesh of your friend Lance and Channing Tatum, then tell the audience, “It’s not very consistent. My friend Lance’s meat is way more gummy than Channing Tatum’s.” Then the police will come in and shoot you, making yours the most famous cooking show since Julia Child microwaved that live raccoon.
Happy Cooking Show Day!