Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Wargames Peterson Day!

Your parents named you Wargames Peterson because they loved the movie WarGames and they wanted you to embody the sense of light-hearted terror they felt while watching the 80's techno-thriller. It's annoying, though, because every time you tell someone your name they immediately start speaking in the Joshua voice and asking, "Shall we play a...game?" Or worse, they'll want to tell you how much they loved the movie, as if you had anything to do with it.

"My parents were just real into it," you tell them.

"But you must have loved it too, right? Everyone loves WarGames."

You never admit this to them, but you still haven't seen the movie. You're so pissed at your parents for giving you this crappy name that you've kept yourself from seeing it just to spite them. You're so sick of it all that today you're going down to city hall to legally have your name changed to Lawrence.

The clerk will read your name-change application form, then he'll look up at you and ask, "Now why would you want to go and do a thing like this?"

"I just want a normal name," you'll say.

"But anyone can be Lawrence," the clerk will say. "You're Wargames!"

The clerk will then tell you the story about how his parents named him Adelelmo, which means noble protector in German. He always hated the name and he decided to change it to Felix. Then his father explained to him that his Great Great Great Grandfather named his child Adelelmo but the boy was murdered as a teen when he protected his mother from invading hordes, and since then there's been an Adelelmo in every generation of his family to keep that ancestral child's brave spirit alive. The clerk told his father he didn't give a shit and he went ahead and changed his name to Felix.

"But I wouldn't have done it if my Great Great Great Grandfather had named his kid Wargames. Great movie. Shall we play a...game?"

You'll say to the clerk, "You know, I've never seen it."

The clerk will be shocked. "Then you don't even know what your namesake is. You can't take this step without at least learning what you're named for."

The clerk will invite you over to his place to watch WarGames. You'll only make it a half-hour into the movie before the clerk makes a pass at you and you split. You'll end up keeping the name, but only because you're afraid to see the clerk again.

Happy Wargames Peterson Day!