You like a boy named Craig in your school, but so do five other girls. Rather then spend all year fighting over him, you've agreed to a death race. You and the five other girls are going to drive your parents' cars through an industrial area littered with explosives and booby traps. Whoever is still alive at the end gets to date Craig (and live beyond age 17).
You can rest easy knowing that at the end of the race, you're going to come out the winner (your decision to arm your car with paint guns was genius, allowing you to blind the other teenage girls' windshields, sending them to crash at high speeds to their deaths). Though you'll come out of the race alive, a spike that gets lodged in your leg will spread an infection that forces doctors to amputate. Craig doesn't like the disabled, so he'll refuse to date you.
"Forget him," your father will say. "Don't let some boy decide whether you have value or not. The important thing is that you gave it your all, and you came out on top. See what happens when you apply yourself?"
Your mother will add, "I am so proud of you sweetie. I wouldn't trade you for any one of those girls you killed."
You'll thank your parents and ask them to leave you alone in your room. You'll wait for sleep to come, wondering why boys have to be such jerks.
Happy Death Race For A Boy Day!