Today you should snoop through your wife’s things until you find something shocking, such as a bucket of decaying severed children’s fingers, or some weed.
“Have you been smoking marijuana / murdering children?” you should ask her.
“I want a divorce,” she’ll say. “I kept my love of marijuana / child murder from you because I was afraid you would condemn me. I can see I was right.”
Beg her not to go. Tell her you’ll stand by her no matter how many children she kills / wasted she gets. She’ll tell you it’s too late.
“Our life is a lie.”
At that she’ll go outside and spark up / slit the paperboy’s throat and saw him apart in the yard. You’ll go into your den and turn the TV on loud, cursing yourself for being so nosy.
Happy Find Out Something Shocking About Your Wife Of Thirty Years Day!